2023 — thismuch

2023—Do you know how much I love you?

WINNING SUBMISSIONS

Never once
I tell my parents
我愛你
But I tell my
English-speaking
Lovers
“I love you”
Three times a day

To love
In Chinese
Is to withhold
the intense emotions
At heart
And only address it
In the last moments

Meandering in
Such polar approaches
Taught me to be
In the middle
Not to love too lightly
Or too heavily

But the confusion lies
In not knowing
What to say
when I mean it
And what to do
when I feel it

Inseparable

I chose you above everything else in my life, despite being so young.
You came into the world smiling.

We were strong and inseparable.

I picked you up from the principal’s office far too many times in my 20’s and 30’s.
You were drastically creative.

I punished you.
You were not fazed.

I hired tutors and learning specialists.
You announced to multiple administrations that homework would not happen, ever.

I cried and spent all my money on help.
You never wavered being you.

I tried to make a plan for college.
You scored 1540 on the SAT with no practice and refused to go to college.

I had a vision.
You had a vision.

I cast a thin safety net under you.
You borrowed $250 because you were short on rent and then paid me right back.

I casually bring up applying to school.
You work at the grocery store in the dairy department.

I send you photos of my art.
You send me photos of the meals you cook and the stray cats you feed.

You bring your girlfriend home for the holidays.
I try.

I could not be more proud of you.
We are still inseparable.

PUBLISHED SUBMISSIONS

The Qualifying Words

When I feel
felt-tip pen to
adorn words,
as I then, to lack,
to weathering
deep river laces
to, to, fine fettle
lap-sided
My heart skipping
pebbles,
My body fettered
thoughts, steps,
heart-faced
but,
front to back
wine’d’ legs,
Froth caramel
bevel espressos
-
Warm, to touch base
in basis
running towards the out;

French kisses to
your ocean, earthly eyes
grey mistakes they
change rocks
forming lands
switching like
light switches,
as, I, everyday
losing more to others’
words’ misses;
Becoming more in-twine
deflagrating, oceans…
eyes…

Looking at you,
I see my past and my future…

My heart, the heart in my stomach, ears, inner thighs, rumbles noisily beneath my greatcoat below the wrought subway bridge. All day, yesterday, and before, through parks, in the slanted shadows of apartment buildings. Me, who doesn’t know what a greatcoat is, summons one because of the romance of the days. Me, who does not believe in marriage, my certainty. Me, a student of uncertainty, who walks with brave stupidity into its torrent every morning wearing just a light jacket, having forgotten my greatcoat. We have to live like this all the way through, wondering why there is a breeze running through our chest, beholding the cavity, realizing our heart is over there, we left it on the table, anything could have happened to it, we left it on the stoop, it has bitemarks in it now, we left it on the subway, we had to bid at the MTA auction to retrieve it, yet every day we cannot stop risking the heart? We pretend to know where it is at all times. Meanwhile the danger grows. My heart, the heart in my stomach, my ears, my inner thighs, rumbles noisily beneath my greatcoat…

That the night we all got so inspired by rock and roll that we decided to clear out george’s room and start a dance club. We tried to do double cartwheels so I dove into Tiff’s sstomach and then shee hit her foot George yelled out that Gabriel Garcia Marquez story I really liked all thos Charlie kaufman movies we watched everyone makes fun of me for making popcorn but it’s so good

I like riding my bike to Tadhg’s house aat night without a helmet

That night everyone got together at tadhg’s me tiff and George did karaoke we used to do so much karaoke now we usually make up songs
I love singing with tadhg especially that night with his parents we sang “I lovwho loves the sun who cares if it makes plants grow who cares what it does since you broke my heart and his dad said that is so sad, his mom said, that is such a sad song. Piling books around me in bed and writing by touch touching those books. Leo and te called a lot. Sat at my desk in my pajama set. Wrote. I love my mom.In touch caring laughing pictures

When he's eating his favorite snack, are you happy just watching him enjoy it?
That's love.

"Always"

Everything
like it’s always been

Same morning farts

same
sweaty balls

pressed against
my sheets

My same open
mouth

drooled-on
pillowcase

dandriff

And the sunlight
reaching

from outside
under
the drawn shades

into warm
humid
interior dimness

Everything
will be the same
today

as it always was
before you

but better somehow

For one
I get to wake up
to someone else’s
sweaty balls
and open mouth
and hairy chest

right beside me
in my bed

And somehow
I have no objections

no qualms
with you

Additional Person

I want you
here, take

space from me
and improve it
with your shoulders

your rest
your thoughts
on horror movies
and pop singers

your shoes left

at the door
with mine

Push mine aside

Make room
You fit

as if
you’ve always
been here

new
unusual
everything
like it always is

Deadheading

I found a spot for myself in your chest
and made a home there, and scraped away at wayward tissue with a gardening trowel until I formed
a tiny pit among all of that muscle and sinew just for me. How will that cavern react in time, I wonder? Will it attempt to
slowly constrict around me, the linings of your lungs pulsing against my fingers with each exhale? Or will I find myself
swiftly torn apart in the tide of it all, my body getting swept up by the cadence of your breathing?

A sublime moment
Is when the sunlight highlights
Your eyes, grays and lines.

We were in the sheet
I became your sheep
Followed your lead
Came up to your head
Your lips my lips
Tasted like honeycrisps

As refreshing as it sounds
These memories are only alive
As I ignite them over and over again in the current
And I didn't realize that-
I granted you eternity
without your sincerity

10.

Learn to separate
And wrench away
No part of flesh
Take away one by one
To wean off
All the different elements
only worked because
they were fallen here
for the party.
Take away, one by one
even the matchbook
becomes living livid with it
Mouth drawl
and chances move on down
Twenties
and older
The same motherfucker
leans
Even leans when i’m off off off
to bed at home
and he leans
made made made
appearance
made probably hundreds
to this day

Why’d you build bar in your house and stick me in it.
Now I love a dark kitchen with a curtain strung up and cold pizza in it.
Now I love the glimmer of cans.
Now I love Mikey’s wine key.
Now I want to always
whip it out of a back pocket.

11.

The dawn inches and you've made your decision. Only a few hours. What? Two planes, a two hour layover, five hours. You could fly for miles and days! You leave the swamp for a grayer island. The only thing lush about it are its damp concrete sidewalks viciously pungent. The city is no place for vacation. There was always business to be taken care of. You've come to do what you do best. You've come all that way for an opportunity to mother just a little more. How many of these opportunities does one get after all? You have your own life but what is a life without someone to take care of? You’ve birthed before! Loving relentlessly, loving with effort, loving with sacrifice. This is the way of your ancestors. This is your legacy. So you'll leave the beautiful swamp for a grayer island, creeping out of bed as dawn creeps out that blue you like and you travel for however long you need to and you find me. You've pronounced my name in the sweetest ways. Your love will always be beside me. It's taken form and lives among us. I will always know this.

12.

Nudity

wine in the park
he positions himself near my head
overgrown weeds pillow falls
after his push

dominique nique nique
s’en allait tout simplement

counting veiled breaths
we depart empty-handed
and mourn loss of sight
crooked hand-holding

routier: pauvre et chantant
en tous chemins, en tous lieux

sinewy padlock
where our hands should be
untwist this peri-dox
before sunrise, please

il ne parle que du Bon Dieu

i wanted to be a priest in my youth
holy robe frou-frous, incense yearning
he walks me home; light strings (
touch my ribs one last time

il ne parle que du Bon Dieu

torrents of upthrown milk
land precisely above me
clean up
ok )

13.

Can You Tell
—-----------------------
I was timid about it, my love for you.
“I felt it too soon”, I felt self-aware.
I struggled to contain my truth, my love, my elation.

So for a while, in moments I thought I’d explode with enthusiasm and admiration,
I’d test the waters.
Daring to look you in the eyes for only a moment, words uttered out:
“Can you tell?”
And as I sat there tangled in you, glancing for the tiniest of moments back into your eyes, you chuckled and said:
“yeah?”, chuckling again.
I’d take a medium breath, and respond with a hint of firmness in my declaration:
“Yeah.”
Trying not to spook, not wanting to force a response.
I sat exposed, consumed with my need for you to know.
A brief moment transpired. An eternity passed.
I locked eyes with you, my feelings exceeding my fear or pride.
You met my gaze. Not blankly… pondering your next move.
And then, miraculously, with eyes smiling upon me, you said:
“Yeah.”

It sounds trivial, but that is one of the jewels of my life.
Our immaterial connection is priceless to us, and yet it appears immaterial to the world ignorant to it.

14.

Do you know how much I love you?
Surely you do.

You know my world would be chaotic and catastrophic without you.

Walls will come crashing down, caves will crumble in,
my heart will jump out of my chest and start tumbling.

I’ll trip over my feet, constantly stumbling, clutching an empty chest as the ground start rumbling.

War will break out, if I do say, it’s the least.
A world without you, just has no peace.

I will stutter, shudder, fumble and flee,
So please whatever you do, don’t stop loving me.

Do you know how much I love you? Surely you do, it’s dangerous in a world without you.
The grass won’t grow, the birds won’t sing, an endless Winter and never Spring.

Towns will flood, rivers run dry, I’ll stare at the moon and break down and cry.
My cup will feel empty, no sun to warm my face, breaths short and rash, like I’ve lost a race.

Natural disasters, alien invasions, cats stuck in trees, mudslides and abrasions,
Soul quiet, skies forever gray and blue,
Do you know how much I love you?

15.

Those Two Things You Use To See

I think I like your eyes the most.
Pools of warm chocolate
that shine when you look at me
from between my thighs.

I watch your eyes when you read--
they glaze over and cross
only to refocus on me.
You smile.
I smile back.
Our books long forgotten.

16.

The other day I was Here. Here is not like There. No time belonged Here. And when there is no time, everything remains. Not dead but it starts to belong here.
And then I saw a boy run in front of me. If I were to be a boy, I would want to be him. Have his silky hair, his wide smile and most of all him. But I couldn’t touch him because I wasn’t from Here. I was from There and time was different there. It made promises and made me wait but it never brought me Here. And now when I was Here, I wanted to do nothing to go back There.
He then came close to me and stood in front of me. Close, so close I could sense him. Only I couldn’t touch him. Then he touched me. He danced with me and I couldn’t protest
because I was just Here. I didn’t belong Here.
Though he knew that, it didn’t bother him. Because when you are Here, you want to be nowhere else. And he was lucky to be Here. Now so was I.
And when I went back There, I had left myself Here.

17.

Start & Stop

That's when things
started to stop making sense,
You stopped talking to me and
started with the one you just broke up with.
You stopped texting, I started screening your calls
It started to stress me until I stopped caring at all.
And I started to call
but stopped before hitting send.
We said when we stopped,
we'll go back to how we started as friends.
But you say I'm always starting with you
And since we can't stop fighting,
Being friends may not be what's best for us two...
And I'm not running game,
It's you who have my heart
so I'll never get tired of stopping,
because I'll never get tired of hitting restart.

18.

There is one thing for sure–
Here you remain,
In my daydreams and prayers
Sweet nostalgia again.

My heart elevates
Until I'm pulled away
Childhood's fleeting days,
Home isn't the same.

Littleton was his name
One soul, unexplained
Vivid imprints on my brain
Eternal rest, out of pain.

19.

I wasn’t looking for what I found in you.
I thought I understood life’s timing.
Thought I had things figured out.
I, so pleased to have been so wrong.
I’ve always been looking for what I’ve found in you,
though I’d given up.
What I was calling wisdom was that in part,
but was also muddled with jaded notions like
”realistic, knowing, calculable” and the like.
Ugly words when compared to
“dreams, hope, desire” which I proclaim your essence.
I’ve found infinitely more than I thought was possible in you.
You smile, I know joy.
You speak plain words, I am breathless from your depths.
You rest, I see perfection in form.
You move, I see nothing but, you.
I am undeniably changed because of you.
I was a child in summer, bored and stomping in the puddle on the sidewalk,
pissed that their trip to the amusement park was ruined.
I still am child-like, but I’m in a boat called “The Jewel”,
plotting vast possibilities amidst an infinite and welcoming ocean.
The world is now inviting, ripe and sweet.
My bones tremble and vibrate from the power of us,
it often causes tears to seep out of my eyes.

20.

the most miserable thing about august
is the drunk floating flies in the heat,
and you, and his eyes, and hands on each other,
next to mine, and we lie in the heat;

the catching on throats in the dirt as we breathe,
i dig, and you sweat,
he moves closer, all tethered;
we triangulate, high on the heat.

and we’re all in the bed, watching tipsy
those leaves on the wind, our hands,
as they tilt and clench and pry, new weathered
like sand, swirl and fly, in the heat.

and it’s sharp and shattering, that october,
when you leave and the flowers all die,
and the hot blinks away
and he and i stay,
and our chests touch —
we vie for some heat.

there’s something about us that’s sticky,
that him and you and i.
the way i just knew,
the way the leaves flew,
and it seems
all alive, in the heat.

our names, i can see overlapping
and i feel it,
some future,
all sweet;

like flies and bones and dirt and skin, you two, orange sky, and the heat.

21.

the mice are mostly harmless, though we know
some snow is coming, to seal in the chill.
all still, the floorboards bending with the cold,
the mold, the dirt, this mounting sense of us;
what’s trust, but you and i pressed down together?
this weather is like something that we’ve seen
in scenes but never felt. i wish you’d miss
me, kiss me, i wish that i could say i want
to haunt you. waiting for our clothes to dry;
pinned high on rafters watch them drip and stiffen —
and if then it meant we’d still end up twined
i’d bind us in this moment frozen clear;
austere as skin when it meets morning air;
and where else would we then have found the will
to spill out boneless? if the sun did come
and numb this heat between us, then at least
the creases in our clothes would dry at last,
and fasted from the heat we’d warm anew.
and you would slip away — that can’t be right;
at night we make sense; make love to make heat;
and sweet, like breath, is made as well: by chance.

22.

what no one tells you, is that the babies in central park are free

what if we made a home under those rocks
where we saw that straight couple on their date?
where all the fattest pigeons make their flocks,
free from the fascist pressures of the state.

and raised this squishy baby that we stole
on leaves and squirrels (that you would hunt for meat);
and i would keep our rabid family whole;
there’s not a city cop i couldn’t beat.

my love, if you would run away with me,
where tax forms can’t drive in their civic stakes,
in new york, baby, nothing’s ever free,
we’ll make a cave to smother all this ache.

no one told us we’d find our home someday —
why not start here? if i asked, would you stay?

23.

The long line of your eye arcs from the stars
presses into the dark sand of a bigger beach
coast whose crags dissolve into other dimension seas of
skeleton statue coral blooms flower colored fish (whose scales all together
fling a shining spear into the great black circle of your eye).

Your magnificent and loving eye a moon set
deep in a black pool now dancing its spiral course
Orbs of light married to your lilt, a phantasm
of loose pearls sprayed against spilling velvet, spills toward earth, at last some part of you that I can touch has reached out to me.

24.

when i went to your place

i felt the chill of feeling warmth when you know you shouldn’t
you shouldn’t
you shouldn’t

“making art is hard” she lied, her lubricated gaze sliced him in two

she thought

you have beautiful hair, i want to breathe my loathing for life
into you

be honest

have you picked up your package yet?

well you might as well drop kick me across an art gallery the size of a thousand football fields

i can’t dream

brain: numb

she told me you wouldn’t go

and when you did i told me you’d come back

and then there was a whale and the whale was beached and they popped it and whale guts spewed all over

and for a long time i was just a smattering of guts

i still might be

25.

my name means water
my name means mother
my name means illusion
my name means magic
my name means love

i believed very few of these things
i thought i had no more love to give
to me
to you
to the world

you showed me how to flow again
you showed me how i nurture
you showed me how to keep my thoughts at bay
you showed me that i'm important
you showed me how to love again

that's the cruelest part
even though i don't deserve it
you gave me your heart

so i held it for you
and you held mine
each day we spent together
each second of passing time

when we didn't do anything
just sat and talked
my love only grew
and that's all your fault

i could've been content
with staying mediocre
instead you've shown me i deserve more
that my words are enchanted
and you're under my spell

26.

I could never help myself
your words rang too true
just as you said on the bridge back then
"i will always love you"

it started out so simple
a passing glance
a given chance
hair behind one ear
a kiss at last

our eyelashes twined together
on the 15th of may
our hearts twined as well
much to my dismay

i never wanted to become so whole
so happy
so fearless
so out of control

my love for you burned hotter than my hatred
every ounce of sorrow baited out by your kind and gentle patience
i needed you
you needed me
that much was clear for all to see

when you left in october my chest grew tight
i never knew how hard I could cry that night

my screen lit up
much like my eyes
your icon on the notification
"don't worry, i'll be fine"

close together
far apart
you never fail to show me
i'm always in your heart

just like you said on the bridge that day
"my love for you can't be kept at bay"

27.

I FEEL FOR YOU

I feel water for you.
I feel ocean for you.
I feel wind and sky
full airbender for you.
I feel motion for you.
I feel garden for you.
I feel trees waving hi!
outside my window for you.
I feel leaves for you.
I feel weakened knees for you.
I feel blue and green and
eyes all googly for you.
I feel depth for you.
I feel rain for you.
Have I told you?
I feel the weather get
warmer in my chest with you.
I feel weight for you.
I feel wonder for you.
I feel like swimming in
the summertime air for you.
I feel seasons for you.
I feel safety for you.
I feel blanket wrapped around
all my width for you.
I feel mad for you.
I feel sad for you.
I'm learning how to feel on my own for you.
I promise you
I feel the world for you
and I’ll always remember this
even when I’m not with you.

28.

LET LOVE BE LOUD

be loud about love
let it be overheard
kiss six times in public
declare the ways
this person has changed you
keep some moments private
some secrets secret
but if love wants to spill
pour it out, give it away
how else do we learn
how to treat each other
how else do we learn
this is the adoration
we always deserved

walk each other to
the bathroom, wait
until they’re done
share a plate of food
sit skin to skin
nuzzle neck to neck
text each other ‘i’m home’

be a resting place
permission to unbutton pants
let belly hang
burps expel
without apology
say the thought
you’re afraid to think
say the sad out loud
make it smaller
make the joy bigger
than it could ever be alone

be loud about love
let others listen in
know that they too
are looking for this
and they too
want to know
this love— this mighty
of love, this length of
love— exists

and this love
is waiting for
you— too

29.

I’ve loved you for a while now, and benefitted in countless ways.
But also long enough for the flowery to fall into question.
Long enough for us to each hurt, and question our choice to trust.
Long enough to have built patterns, some lovely, some excruciating.
Long enough to watch us stumble and fall down.

I love you so much that I’m willing to torturously break bad patterns we’ve created together,
to feel the uncertainty of a loss of security.
Enough to let go of my worst fears, and let you show me they’re invalid.
Enough to work instead of start over.
Enough to let go of my expectations, to adapt and change for your needs.
Enough to gather us up, take a deep breath and slowly stand back up, together.

Truly, you are one of the greatest things I’ve stumbled upon in this life.
You are one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.
You are still my stardust, and I still see you as precious.
I always will.

30.

I want the kind of love that feels like laughter
That feels like running and jumping into open arms, misjudging their ability to catch you, and falling to the ground in a pile of limbs and hearts and teeth
Reveling in the gravel and the dirt that cling to our flesh as we roll and fumble, clutching one another tight.

I want that raw and unbridled aching happiness pulsing beneath the sternum
threatening to burst violently forth; blinding beams from the gaping maw of my rib cage

I want the kind of love that is a pancake beneath the covers
Lying still and flushed together from toe to chest to cheek
Glowing in haze; calm, weightless, boneless
Two clay figures coalescing in the kiln

I want the inevitable kind of love
The kind that falls into bathroom stalls,
lips parted and tongues desperate
The kind of love that sits low in the abdomen
Thrumming through veins as the heart pulses like a night club bass,
Loud and low and heady and hazy

I want to bathe in the sunlight together
Limbs tangled and flushed
I have done my healing. It’s now time to live

31.

[The end of an amazing first date. Tension is high.]

FRANK:
There’s something I need to tell you. I usually wait. But it’s more urgent now.

JAMIE [kidding]:
I’m just that special, huh?

FRANK [not kidding]:
Yes. My family has always had this thing. When we fall in love with someone, we start floating. I usually date without it being a problem. But then you made that joke about taking the bread home, and I had to hold on to the bottom of the table for the next ten minutes.

JAMIE:
Oh good, that’s what it was. I was worried you were trying to cop a feel, but had terrible aim.

FRANK:
Which is worse?

JAMIE:
The second, I guess. Because I kind of do want to kiss you.

FRANK:
Even though…?

JAMIE:
Even though.

[Jamie pauses, waiting for direction. Jamie kisses Frank. Frank starts floating.
But just as he gets off the ground, Jamie grabs his hands and pulls him back down to the ground so they can kiss again.
Despite this – or because of it – the force is too strong, and up they go into the sky, together. Forever, or at least as long as we’re watching.]

32.

I love you and I love you too. How would I know? A kiss on the cheek, a brush of a hand.
I can’t decipher it. Return the words but decide that’s all I can do? Why is it only me on this side? I guess there's not much I can do. Do I love you now when you can’t love me then?

33.

Yes I do. But I do what makes me feel right. Do you make me feel right?

34.

laying on the floor, stretching out the muscles in my back,
arms and legs extending,
sliding across my abdomen,
aligning our belly buttons together.
your stomach moving,
ripples of waves,
an intimate exchange of belly flesh.
your eyes engaging my unestablished feelings,
a level of intimacy too soon for us.

you rolled to the side
springing up,
tugging down,
smoothing out,
leaning over,
whispering,
“I used to do that to my brother all the time.”

35.

(a) person of great self control:

situated at a distance
(a) sneaky look
(a) sudden twitch

length of time
acute apprehension
(a) pair of performers

pedicured body parts,
attractive.
(a) quick pinch,
arouse,
(a) whispered remark.

without illumination,
I fear confusion in flames.

36.

Mutual comfort in diners, the start of something new. Duct taped seats and a crusty griddle for a collective breakfast soon divided. I ordered water to be polite; the gesture is reciprocated.

Overwhelming personal questions in waitress-return limbo. Engrossed in you, I cannot focus on the menu. I don’t have a conversation map and you allow me to flounder. Panic leads to intuition, you say. How are you so comfortable? A side of pancakes for a 63-year-old man. I hate sweetness in the morning, but I feel inclined to be like you.

I worry I’ve ordered all wrong. Is how I enjoy my eggs a visible outline of my psyche? I cannot go back now, you are already collecting my indecisive qualities for later. My silence allows you to speak in rounds again. I’m an asshole, you say, you’ll see. I stare at my plate, my napkin, my utensils. You know I’m not holding your gaze. I fool myself into thinking I can hide from you, but you see the subtle shape and color distinctions between my pale skin and my dark hair. You hardly see me, yet are able to read my insecurities better than anyone. I won’t surrender that easily.

37.

Reason #1

“Love” is a word I could describe only by saying your name.

The beauty of our connection makes me feel closer to whatever “meaning” there might be for emotions.

I understand things people can’t begin to explain when I find myself in your presence.

Reason #1 is simple.

You showed me what Love is.

And for that,

I will always Love you.

38.

One day I will rise from
My bed
Cloak of honor around
My shoulders,
Happy, content.

You will be there, you always are.

My love, my heart.

My honor
My happiness.

With you
I am complete.

39.

I’ve always wanted to be a romantic but I’ve always thought myself too cynical. Then I realized how many small moments I notice not only daily but hourly. How can I not be romantic when my heart races at the sight of a perfectly discarded cigarette butt at the bus stop. Sure, I hate littering and I don’t smoke cigarettes, but it’s the same color of my pants, and isn’t that just the most exciting part of my morning so far?

Or when I’m sitting and thinking in the studio, perhaps entering a small spiraling sensation before my fingers brush on a small sheet of watercolor paper. Paper I was initially saving for something important but wow, it’s just perfect. And it stops the spiral. Instead, I’m now staring at this piece of paper and touching it in a way that I’ve only seen romantics do, and I’m thinking about what kind of mailbox to draw on it.

There’s no doubt that I’m a smartass, and sure, I might be a bit sardonic most of the time. But there’s something that happens when time slows down. And it’s in those moments where I believe I might be just as soft and romantic as I’ve always wanted to be.

40.

He inhaled deeply before sitting up and moving to put his feet on the ground. He rubbed his face and groaned as he stretched out. He sighed as he placed his hands on the edge of the mattress on either side of himself. The whole time I’d been admiring the tattoos that adorned his back and arms. It wasn’t until I followed the contour up to the back of his neck that I noticed he was looking back at me. I blushed deeply and he smiled, “Which one are you looking at?”

I smiled, “All of them, you have good taste. For the most part…” he chuckled, making me smile larger.
He ran one hand through his hair and looked back down at his legs. I moved to sit up behind him. He was paying very close attention to me without looking at me. I traced a single finger over the jaguar line work on his left shoulder blade as I kissed his right shoulder, “How did you come to be so soft?” He whispered, “I feel so safe with you, always. Except for the fact I can’t keep my thoughts to myself…”

41.

i thought i knew
what
love was

yet as i
peel back
the layers

flesh laid bare

sorrowfully flayed

exposed

you come
wrapping; tending
making sure
i heal

being tender flesh
with you
is love

42.

dear hands,
thank you. thank you for working with me. thank you for doing what i ask you to. i’m sorry i get frustrated when you can’t, but it’s not you that can’t it’s us, because even though you’re further you’re still a part of me. we’ve been on this age-old quest together. i hope to never lose you. i promise to stretch more. if not now then soon. i love to let you play. thanks for surprising me. i’m resolving to let you more often. i don’t know what i would do without you.
yours truly,
brain

43.

I love you so much that I carry
you in my mind
wherever I go

I only have to unhinge my jaw
to hear your voice

and when I need to see the world
like you see the world
I just pop
each of my eyes
and let you peer out

when I tear back
the upper part of
the scalp
and reach in I can feel
that little simulated you that's grown

along the inner curve
of my skull
like a tendril

44.

1 lover's heart
3 cloves of garlic, minced
1 tablespoon of fresh rosemary
1 tablespoon of butter
salt and pepper to taste

Rinse the heart under cold water
and pat dry with a towel

In a large pot, heat the butter
add the minced garlic and fresh herbs
sauté until fragrant

Place the heart in the pot
sear all sides until golden brown.

Lower the heat
let the heart sit until tender
serve hot
but remember it is polite
to eat every bite
but the last

45.

Air swells with song tonight
And shades of remembrance.
Two who walked here in love
Have returned to the tangerine light
Dripping down the branches.

46.

the leaves in the mountains chant sorrow with their falling fragrance
as your heart floods my mouth.

47.

You are the blessing of midnight rain
You are the hand that rings the festival bells
The rising and setting of your stomach
softens the flickering day.

Your smile flowers down
Old dances and fluttering faces
Living echoes in your chest
Petals yet to be.

My love for you forested
Scarlet and silent autumns
Watching the clouds drift full
Of the water of ancient dreams.

48.

You’ve walked long nights alone
This time I will paint the stars with you

Temporarily lost at sea
This time I will shield your bad dreams

Waking ocean, sunburnt mirth
This time I will be your Narwhal

When the moon sits on the edge of the forest
This time I will howl with you

This is just the beginning
Let’s bloom millions of flowers together
Let’s paint the flowers any color we want
This time we can stand still together

49.

Exhaling pavement
Nothing chirps nor rustles like back home
Westerly caresses on our noses
Iridescent steel over the mountains

Don’t walk so far ahead of me
This is the reason I drove out here
The warm skin on your wrist
Crunches under our rubber soles
My lips linger on each other when I start to tell you
Let’s never drive back
Instead live between sun rise and fall
Hold each other warm while coyotes yell and beetles drink dew
We’ll become stone and witness all of time
While the westerlies make us smooth
And impossible to climb

50.

In Tribute to a Queen

The last time Doña Maria saw her child, he was laying in his casket. With her trembling hand, she caressed the side of her baby’s face. Together, Doña Maria and Enrique spent months in the hospital room waiting, praying. It was on one of these nights Doña Maria could not help but stare at her child as he slept. Though Enrique was awake, he did not open his eyes. He knew his mother was watching him. As still as a baby.

This might’ve been the same building in which Doña Maria gave birth to her Enrique. The doctors had told her the baby would not live. The child would have major complications with their heart. Yet, the boy survived. Despite the exhaustion, heavy breathing, the sweat rolling down her brow nothing mattered but the child, this little fruit of a baby. The little thing curled up on his mother’s bosom. His breathing, seen by the rise and fall of his small back and the tiny stream of air through his nostrils, cooled a single spot on Maria’s breast. With her trembling hand, she caressed the side of her baby’s face.

51.

How do you feel

Singular
Full of life I could shoot out through
my feet and shoulder blades
If I danced
over the noise,
into the ground,
under the blue hole
Narcissist
I must assist a worm
to move outwards at all
Coffee
Coffee
Coffee
Cigarette idiot
Dog purity
Cat giggle
I
I
I
love myself and think of no one else
Singular and watchful
Over a flame of judgment
Paranoia, superstition
Helplessly devoted and attached to others
I break apart at the thought of
a nice color and composition
I try not to think about paint before bed
or my heart will race and i’ll never
drop into physical rest

52.

You never really know if someone loves you
Maybe that’s why
we want to know what it is to be another human being,
while still knowing ourselves
We can’t
Hemingway and his first wife wanted to become each other
She would cut her hair shorter
and he’d grow his longer
and they'd be the same
Little strings tie us together
Let's tie as many as we can
Maybe we can become one
I wanna see through other eyes so bad
We can’t
We get to guess at love
Hemingway and Hadley divorced
What is love?
It is not temporary, I should think
If it ends,
who wants it?
Not me
We’re all anxious knowing
the tide is going out
Maybe that’s where love is
Inside death
Give me your life then we will not have this dilemma of
separate shells
Maybe we’ve been wrong
Death does not separate
It brings near
Tears down the wall
The friction of two,
gone
Oh, there you are
Inside me
Finally
Swelling in my chest
Your absence,
a presence as large as my own

53.

54.

You just wanted to be a good boy.
So let me hug you here, on 12th and Chestnut street
Where winds and words bite sharply but
We laugh so hard that our tears of pain and joy are indistinguishable.

You know when you cry, I see them in you.
The inner edges of your eyebrows upturn ever so slightly ––
Mine always did the same but I've trained them otherwise since.
I'm glad flushed noses are in now.

We won't miss them, will we?
Not, at least, the eyebrows and red noses and how they break things.

They only wanted to be good too.
We learned to be discomforted by them but what they wanted so badly to say was
"Come here, rest yourself a little while I sweep the floors beneath you."

If only thy could carry us up fibonacci stairs or carry us on time somewhere else.

All of us are too much for one person though.
The weight of our bones, and just how heavy one life is.
No one could do that for two, or three, or four.

But to find where blames begins is just as impossible a feat.
So should we even try?

What if we kept laughing instead?

On.
In.
Through.

Intersections.
Betweens.
Passings.

We won't carry each other that way.

55.

I’m sitting on a bench
in a restaurant dedicated to chicken fingers.
Why are chicken fingers so good?
I think it’s because they are so easy to eat
(in addition to their flavor, texture, and appearance)
Do people fall in love here?
The people working joke with each other.
She hugs him from behind
dancing a little
with their arms entangled.
This place smells good.

56.

I went to do laundry this morning,
but my neighbors left their clothes in the machine.
They do that sometimes.

There are certain activities
I can do without thinking
like driving or showering
that give me time
to contemplate other things

Last night
when I was driving
to my friend’s birthday party
I thought about love.

57.

A gust of wind blew the dry winter leaves
like a river across the path.
I tucked my chin to my throat
to keep my hat on my head.
My therapist said
there is a great tenderness
in my pursuit for a relationship,
a powerful vulnerability.
That night, I cooked
coppa steaks,
pasta carbonara,
mushrooms,
and onions.
We ate while we watched Star Trek Voyager.

58.

The cook at the bar thought
I was someone else.
I pretended to be someone else.
Someone else had seen Lost Boys.
Someone else knew someone named Evan.
The Evan I knew went to summer camp
with me in Warwick, NY.
He was tall and kind.
I snuck off with a girl at that camp,
and we kissed each other all over
in the wooden building by the lake.

59.

I’m out of peanut butter,
so I’m full of oatmeal.
I don’t like washing my sheets,
or maybe I do.
I’m physical.
I’m affectionate.
I want to be buried into someone,
so as much of my skin as possible
is touching theirs.

60.

I’m balding.
I’m exploring my sexuality.
”Exploring” like adventuring on lands
previously unknown to me
but habited by others.
This place is full of acronyms.
I need a translator.

What is the translation of,

I need to be touched?

Is it,

looking for short or long-term relationships?

Do I look like my pictures?

If I collected my fallen hair,
could you still run your hands through it?